I never wanted to turn this into an emo blog about a cat, but as they say, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. And it seems like I can’t stop crying. Mornings are especially hard because Niko always seemed so happy when I was up to feed him.
I’m someone who can generally internalize grief well around others except perhaps with those I care for the most. The boyfriend certainly was on the receiving end of a lot of it this weekend and I appreciate that. It can’t ever be easy dealing with a girlfriend sobbing her guts out about a cat. I wish I could be one of those people who’d tell you “it’s just a cat”… But I can’t and I never will be. The boy didn’t tell me that. He knows as well as anyone with a pet that pets are family. I’m much too sensitive to the personalities of my companions and much more so because they are completely innocent creatures. With Niko, it will be so much harder to get over his loss because of what an affectionate cat he was. He never scratched, or hissed, or bit you unless he was playing. He was the epitome of a sweet, gentle giant and if you couldn’t recognize those qualities and appreciate it then you would have been heartless.
And the worst of it isn’t even that I will miss his presence. It’s the guilt of the decision I made. I look back on it all now, and I think to myself if I was even there. I try to justify it but it’s so damn hard to. I was afraid of Niko being caught up in this awful cycle of diabetes and that his quality of life would just diminish. But I didn’t know that it would certainly. The treatment would not have been guaranteed, but I didn’t know which way it would go. The veterinarian reassured me that I did the right thing… cats are particularly difficult to regulate with diabetes. It doesn’t help. I should have tried harder. I should have been more patient. This wasn’t out of my control. I want so badly to go back and try again, make a different choice. I never thought that it would be this painful.
In the end I know that Niko isn’t with me anymore and I have to deal with this grief. Being at work helps. Having things to do. I resurrected my old computers just so I could rescue all the digital photos to find all of Niko’s. Looking at his pictures for some reason helps a bit, but at the same time, I don’t know if I could put them all together in some sort of memorial. The idea is there, but I just can’t get around to it. I guess I’m not ready to accept and let go.
I imagine this will take a while. And I also imagine that my blog will be full of posts like this, or none at all. Every single aspect of my life seems so different now. It’s what I have to deal with.