They do everything bigger and better in the U.S.A. and I think a lot of Canadians know it too. And honestly, I think Harper had to have that in mind when the election is called. Everyone will be paying attention to what’s going on south (and a bit Northwest from us) and meanwhile Canadian politics will just do their thing and run their course and maybe, just maybe the status quo will at least remain. I don’t know, I’m possibly reaching there. I’m one of those guilty of paying a lot more attention to American politics than I normally should.

I have a lot of respect for Obama, and I have a lot of respect for McCain. I’m thinking Obama has the potential to be conniving and ruthless, but I also think he’s extremely smart and passionate about what he does. McCain, I think he’s a good person to be honest, but I don’t think he’s all that bright. And I know the election is run between these two people, but every single time i hear more and more about Palin, especially about her personal life and personal thrills such as aerial hunting (fucking coward, sorry did I say that out loud?), I dislike her more and more. I wish McCain could have picked any one else other than her to be his running mate because I have lost so much respect for his campaign. This is unfortunate, I did genuinely have hope that he would reform his party and bring it out of its dark and dank social conservatism past. Now, I’m not so sure.

I’ve been indulging in news and politics and pretty much anything that will keep my mind distracted lately. I’m still dealing with a lot of guilt and grief from the events of last weekend, and this morning I was told that I could pick up Niko’s ashes any time. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to go through a death in the family, but this is striking me as the most difficult because of what Niko meant to me. I’m still really sad about it, but I’m hoping I can learn to live with it all and just cope.

Did you know that Sarah Palin also hated cats? True story. As another Pamela in the news once said recently, “She can suck it.”

I’ve been debating adding this to my blog since I put it together a couple of days ago. But I do really want everyone to know what a wonderful kitty my Niko was and how much I will miss him.  It’s cheesy… all amateur pet tribute videos are… but you know what, it helped me a bit, and it gave me a bit of comfort. So now, I’m sharing that here.  Thank you for visiting.

I never wanted to turn this into an emo blog about a cat, but as they say, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. And it seems like I can’t stop crying. Mornings are especially hard because Niko always seemed so happy when I was up to feed him.

I’m someone who can generally internalize grief well around others except perhaps with those I care for the most. The boyfriend certainly was on the receiving end of a lot of it this weekend and I appreciate that. It can’t ever be easy dealing with a girlfriend sobbing her guts out about a cat. I wish I could be one of those people who’d tell you “it’s just a cat”… But I can’t and I never will be. The boy didn’t tell me that. He knows as well as anyone with a pet that pets are family. I’m much too sensitive to the personalities of my companions and much more so because they are completely innocent creatures. With Niko, it will be so much harder to get over his loss because of what an affectionate cat he was. He never scratched, or hissed, or bit you unless he was playing. He was the epitome of a sweet, gentle giant and if you couldn’t recognize those qualities and appreciate it then you would have been heartless.

And the worst of it isn’t even that I will miss his presence. It’s the guilt of the decision I made. I look back on it all now, and I think to myself if I was even there. I try to justify it but it’s so damn hard to. I was afraid of Niko being caught up in this awful cycle of diabetes and that his quality of life would just diminish. But I didn’t know that it would certainly. The treatment would not have been guaranteed, but I didn’t know which way it would go. The veterinarian reassured me that I did the right thing… cats are particularly difficult to regulate with diabetes. It doesn’t help. I should have tried harder. I should have been more patient. This wasn’t out of my control. I want so badly to go back and try again, make a different choice. I never thought that it would be this painful.

In the end I know that Niko isn’t with me anymore and I have to deal with this grief. Being at work helps. Having things to do. I resurrected my old computers just so I could rescue all the digital photos to find all of Niko’s. Looking at his pictures for some reason helps a bit, but at the same time, I don’t know if I could put them all together in some sort of memorial. The idea is there, but I just can’t get around to it. I guess I’m not ready to accept and let go.

I imagine this will take a while. And I also imagine that my blog will be full of posts like this, or none at all. Every single aspect of my life seems so different now. It’s what I have to deal with.

Niko went into diabetic ketoacidosis late last week. On Saturday morning, I made the most hardest decision of my life and let him go. He was the most sweetest, most beautiful, cuddliest and innocent cat. I will miss the way he would jump up on the couch and cuddle with me while I was watching TV. I miss his kitten face and kitten voice. I miss his furry little paws and the way his tail always seemed to turn up. Niko never made me feel lonely. This house is empty without him and I won’t ever be the same. Guilt and regret will follow me for the rest of my life. I’m so sad right now, that I can’t imagine the pain ever stopping.

I’m sorry I failed my beautiful Niko. My happiness is gone and it seems like the tears will never end. I knew it would hurt, but I never thought it would be this painful. I miss him so much.